Merry Christmas!

Jahn, Jack and I have had a great Christmas in Ottawa visiting with family.  It's been so fun to watch our families spend time with Jack, and seeing him getting to know his family is pretty adorable.  Our trip has definitely helped solidify our decision to move.   The whole trip has had a different feel than past trips.  Usually the last few days feel almost desperate -- trying to make sure you enjoy every moment with family, knowing that it will be months until we see each other again.  Knowing this time that we'll be back in only a couple of months has made the whole trip more fun. 


And Jack?  He's been a total charmer.  He's spent days and days partying and being passed from person to person (mostly to people he doesn't know) and has been sweet and smiley through the whole thing.  He reaches his limit now and then, but most of the time, he just looks around, takes the world in, and grins.  I would say it's been a pretty terrific first Christmas.

Looking at the Christmas Tree 

Chatting on Christmas morning 

That was a lot of partying. . .  

Mary Poppins

When I was little, I remember always feeling sad at the end of Mary Poppins.  I understood she helped Jane and Michael's family, and I knew she was needed somewhere else, but that didn't stop me from wanting her to stay with them.  These days, that feeling is very real for me again.


After we had been in Calgary for a few months, I knew we were going to like living here.  But I also knew that, as much as we liked the city, it wasn't going to be home.  I think it was clear to both of us this was only a stop on our journey.  But it turns out that knowing that and living it are two very different things.  Jahn and I created a life for ourselves here -- one that felt very permanent.  We have been extremely fortunate to be surrounded by some of the kindest people I've met.  They took us Ontarians in with open arms and I'm forever grateful.


But Jack changed everything.  I know he has no idea whether he lives in Calgary or Ottawa or Yemen, but we do.  We know that he's far from his family.  The pull to have him near his grandparents and aunts and uncles, especially for these "little kid" years, is pretty strong.      


So now, even though I know the winds are blowing us somewhere else, somewhere both familiar and exciting,  I feel that same Mary Poppins longing again -- that wish to be able to stay, too.    

In This Crazy Life

"Once you have a baby, everything will be different."  From the moment people find out you're pregnant, that's the chorus you hear repeated over and over. And I knew it would be true. But until you're there, it's hard to understand how things will be different. Some changes happen right away, like the limited use of both hands. But I think more often, the changes aren't as obvious. A new member of your family arrives, something imperceptible shifts, and nothing is ever the same.


We both felt that shift, but while I was nestled at home in my cocoon of new baby and blankets, Jahn went back to work. And back out in the real world, Jahn started to feel that maybe the changes weren't quite done for us.  Being here in Calgary with our new baby, introducing him to our families over Skype just wasn't sitting right.


It may seem crazy, but I'm a big believer in putting your desires out there into the universe and seeing what comes back. I think, maybe without even really knowing it, that's what Jahn did. And the universe didn't disappoint.


So after a coincidence, an application, an interview, an offer, long conversations, and many tears, life changed again and a new chapter started for us. Watch out, National Capital Region.  Come March 2012, Jahn and I are heading back to Ottawa, and we're brining a little cowboy with us.

Welcome, Little Boy

When I started this blog, I wanted to record the experience of being pregnant and of becoming a new mom. I also figured that a blog would give my family a chance to feel closer to what was going on, since we live so far away. But somehow, after August, I never got back to my blog. I think I was too busy enjoying being pregnant to write about it. Now, looking at my eight-week-old baby, (how did that happen so fast?) I've decided it's time to get back to the blog to give myself a record of this time.  So here we go.


On September 6th at 1:09 a.m., Jahn and I welcomed Jack Levi.  And he's pretty fabulous.

Jack Levi, 6 lbs 7 oz

Travelling Light

I was just looking back and was surprised to find I hadn't written a blog entry since the end of May.  Granted June was pretty busy with school ending and then we were in Ontario at the beginning of July and BC at the end.  But I still feel a little bad. . .I hope the baby doesn't read this someday and assume that 2 months of no entries means I wasn't thinking about him.  Definitely not the case.

Summer has been wonderful so far.  We've had lots of time to just relax and hang out (maybe too much for Jahn?) and taken some great trips, too.  The first trip we took (home to Ottawa) inspired our motto for the summer: Travel Light.  

As Jahn and I sat at the airport, me with my purse and him with just a newspaper, we started watching parents of babies and little children go by.  And we definitely noticed a common theme: stuff.  Lots of stuff.  Just before boarding our plane, we watched a mum go by, pushing a stroller/car seat combo and followed by her husband carrying no fewer than 27 reusable shopping bags, all with baby stuff spilling out.  I think at that moment, Jahn and I simultaneously came to the realization that we were looking at the future.  And not just any future, but our very near future.  Ok, so we might be able to do a little better than 27 bags of stuff.   But by our trip home at Christmas, we will certainly be toting more than a newspaper and purse.  

So we've purposefully spent the rest of our vacation time travelling as light as possible and enjoying every moment of it.  Because in 8 more weeks (give or take) travelling light will become a distant memory.            

Are We There Yet?

"How many days does May have?  And then June starts, right?"

I always try to keep it quiet with my students when we start to get close to the end of the year.  It's not that they don't know it's coming, but the less we talk about it, the easier it is to keep them together just a little longer.

But really, I'm WAY ahead of them.  I've been counting days of school left (20 with kids) since the beginning of May.  I love my job and my students; there is no question that I feel I'm doing what I am meant to do.  But as the year starts to wind down, I feel exactly like the kids.  Is it June yet?

And I can't be sure, but I think this end-of-year season has been harder than any other.  I'm actually feeling fine, so it's not that I'm not up for work.  I just don't want to have to do anything anymore other than sit around and be pregnant.  

I know that my time of being free from work is coming.  And I'm sure people would tell me I'm crazy, that as soon as school ends I'll just be playing the waiting game and getting more and more impatient and anxious for the arrival of the baby.  But those people don't know me well enough.  I intend to live my last summer of being a LOLA (Lady Of Leisure and Activity) to the fullest.  Summer has always been my favourite time.  I know, though, that once the baby is here, my days of lying in the backyard, reading and doing nothing, will come to an end.  So I plan to make the absolute most of it this year.  

Now if June can only just get here. . .         

20 Weeks and What Ifs

First, let's start by saying that I'm not nauseous anymore!  Around 18 weeks or so I started to feel like a normal person again and I could not have been more excited about it.  So what am I saying?  Let's say no more about it.  On to the real update.

I'm now just past 20 weeks (halfway!) which I find kind of hard to believe.  From the time I was about 16 weeks, I've felt the baby move (more and more each week).  We went for an ultrasound last week, and I had to laugh.  The technician was a lovely young student from SAIT who told me that she was having a hard time getting all the measurements she needed because of how much the baby was wiggling.  "But don't worry -- my senior tech is amazing.  When she comes in she'll have no trouble at all."  The senior technician arrived a few minutes later and after a few quiet minutes of measuring, she turns to me and says "What did you eat for lunch?  This baby is going nuts in there."  So it looks like Jahn and I may be in for a busy baby. . . .

And will it be a busy Glory or a busy Del Faucher?  Well, I have been convinced it's a girl.  Most other votes (with a few exceptions) have been girl as well.  Jahn wanted to find out, and I didn't have strong feelings, so we asked the technician to have a look.  Her answer?  Looks like a little Del Faucher.  I was shocked (and I think so was Jahn).  Though the idea took some getting used to, I think this little guy's going to be pretty fun.  And after spending so much time with women at home, in school and at work, I think Jahn's pretty excited by the idea of having  a son.  Even if he's a son who never stops moving. . .

One more update.  I finally told my class I was pregnant a few weeks ago.  Their reactions have just killed me.  When I told them, one student (who looked shocked) asked "Does your  husband  know?"  They've all suggested names (generally their own) and guessed about gender and birthdate.  I thought they would sort of forget about it after they knew, but they talk about it often.  But the funniest thing has been the what ifs.  Here's how the game goes:

We're trying to get some quiet work done.  The class starts to rumble a little.  I can tell someone is going to break the quiet, but can never tell who will be first.  Then one of them does:

"What if your baby is a super hero? "

This gets the game going.  It starts slow, like a train leaving a station, but picks up speed quickly.

"What if your baby can fly and you can't get it down from the ceiling?"
"What if you baby is a puppy?"
"What if your baby is a rabbit?"
"What if your baby is actually triplets?"
"What if your baby has three eyes and 12 fingers?"
"What if your baby is a pineapple and you had nothing to eat.  Would you eat your baby?"

For the first couple of questions, I try to give a quick answer ("I don't think the baby is a puppy.  I'm pretty sure it's human") and then get them settled back down.  But generally, it doesn't work.  So I let them go for a few minutes, laugh with them about all of their imaginings about this baby and find it kind of adorable that they think about it (him) at all.
And I can only imagine as I get bigger and bigger and the end of school gets closer, the questions are going to keep on coming. . .     

A little blurry, but it was the longest he went without moving.

Apparently, he comes in peace.

The belly, about 18 weeks.

   

Why I'm Not Worried

I have to say that, other than the initial feeling of shock after finding out I was pregnant, I haven't really been worried about the idea of having a baby.  Maybe that's because it's such a huge thing that I can't even begin to decide what to worry about.  Or maybe it's because of the time I spend with kids now.  In the time I have spent with them, here is some of what kids have shown me I don't need to worry about:

- Eating things off the floor.  Or from the art supply cupboard.  In small amounts, it hardly ever makes you sick.  

- Tantrums that result in lying on the floor, kicking and crying.  Eventually, they end and the child gets up.

- Not eating anything at lunch other than a Cheese String and a Joe Louis.  Not great, but not the end of the world either.

- Keeping a child amused.  Apparently, my sense of humour is not that different from that of a small child.  Dropping things = funny.  Dropping more things = funnier.

- Finding lost stuff.  It's always in the place the child says he looked for it "really hard."

- Being patient.  There are students I have had to redirect more than 25 times in a 80 minute period of time.  As of yet, no one has ever been strangled. 

- Finding the humour.  Because yelling "We do NOT throw snowballs at peacocks!" is kind of funny, when you take a step back.

Someone told me that it wasn't really fair, that this baby had it easy because I was already broken in.  I'm not sure that will be entirely true, but at least I have a running start.    

15 Weeks of Glory Del Faucher

I've been waiting to write an update until I was able to say "I'm finally feeling GREAT!", but sadly, that's still not the case.  So, suffice to say I'm still waiting and now I'll move on.


Names
As a teacher, picking a name for a baby is really hard.  Names are all associated with a particular child or a particular personality trend (weird, but true -- ask any teacher).  Since I know that, it's always been really important to me to make sure that when we choose a name for this baby, we keep it to ourselves until the baby's here.  No one's going to have much to say about it then.  So until then, we needed something to call this baby. 


When I was around 9 weeks, I had a dream that I was at church and the baby was there (I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there) and her name was Glory.  When I told Jahn, he said he'd been thinking we should choose a name that was distinctly Albertan.  I start thinking along cowboy lines.  "You mean, like, Wyatt?" "No" he answers. "I was thinking more like Del Faucher Fawcett."  I die laughing.   Del Faucher was a ridiculous, off-colour, but pretty funny cowboy entertainer we met at our friends' stag and staggette party last spring.  And so that baby was given a working title.  It requires a little explaining, but cracks us up and has the bonus of being (probably) worse than any real name we would actually choose.


What Worries Me
Other than being down about not feeling well, so far, I'm not too worried about raising a baby (maybe that will come).  There is one thing I'm worrying about, though.  I know there's probably no correlation, but I've been thinking about how I've felt so far during this pregnancy and wondering if any of it tells me anything about the personality of the baby.  If, in some weird way, it does, here's what I may have discovered:


- The baby will like bland, "normal" food and eating at regular intervals.  Intervals of about 7 minutes.


- The baby will like routine.  Small deviations = throwing up (and crankiness)


- The baby will like to be pampered.  Soothing baths.  Massages.  That sort of thing.  (The only time I may or may not have felt the baby moving was as I got a massage.  Hmm. . . .)  


- The baby will cry often and for no reason.  Or maybe that's just me.

The little belly at 15 weeks

Midwife Mess

Babies and birth have always interested me.  The first time I watched a real birth on tv, I don't think I was all that much older than the kids I teach now.  One thing about birth that has always interested me is midwives.  Everything about midwives appeals to me: how they really get to know you, the kind of care they provide, their involvement after the baby is born.  So when we started thinking about the possibility of having a baby in Calgary, I looked to see what the chance was of having a midwife.  

I was very excited to find that, not only do midwives have full access to any hospital in Calgary, but as of April 2009, midwifery care is 100% covered by Alberta Health.   I started looking into the (very) small number of midwifery practices that exist in Calgary.  Their websites all seemed to say the same thing: our kind of service is very popular, so get in touch with us early in your pregnancy if you want a space.  When I saw how few midwives there were, I had a brief moment of wondering whether I should get in touch and say "I'm planning to get pregnant around this time.  Can you put me on your list now before I'm actually pregnant?"  But then I thought about that a second time and it felt like something a crazy person would do.  Plus, who knew if I would actually get pregnant when I wanted?  So I never followed through.

Fast forward to January.  We find out I'm pregnant on a Friday night.  The first thing I did Saturday morning was fill out the online intake forms for all the practices I could find.  There was one practice in particular I was really drawn to, but that was really based only on the website, so I emailed them all, just to be safe.  I was four (almost five) weeks pregnant.

I waited to hear back.  After a week and a bit, I started to hear back.  And guess what?  Every practice told me they were full.  Every.  Single.  One.  When I heard from the final one, I had a major PIMD.  I was so disappointed because I felt like I had all this knowledge about what I wanted and despite that, there was nothing I could do to get that kind of care.  The whole thing also made me start to wonder.  What did other people do to get midwives?  Did they actually do what I thought was crazy and contact a midwife before they were even pregnant?  Were they friends with a midwife?  Had a midwife already delivered another baby of theirs?   Ugh.  I just don't know.

I'm sure everything will work out in the end.  I know that, really, the important thing is a healthy baby, regardless of who hands it to me.  But I'm still sad.  I know now, instead of what I pictured, I will see one (or various different) OB and then will have my baby delivered by the practice's on call OB (someone I may or may not have met before).  To me, that is definitely a less-than-ideal scenario.  But I hope once this baby is here, how he or she got here will become not such a big deal.     

All In My Head?

I've just passed the 10 week mark and have been feeling pretty rough the last week and a half.  I haven't had too many melt downs (save one about midwives, but more on that later), but these days almost no food appeals to me, I've been even more nauseous than before and had a couple of days where keeping food down was hard.  I'm so thankful I'm not someone who spends my days running to the bathroom to be sick.  I can't imagine doing my job that way everyday.     


But feeling crappy is starting to wear on me.  I'm trying to keep my eye set on the prize of 12 weeks, but of course there's no guarantee that's when I'll actually start to feel better.  When tonight (a Friday) I accidentally said out loud "Oh good -- Jeopardy teen tournament tonight!" all Jahn could say was "I hope I get my wife back soon."  And believe me: I feel it too.  


Even though I know everything I am feeling is normal (all the typical symptoms you read and hear about), the last couple of weeks have made me wonder if I'm just kind of a wimp.  People get pregnant all the time.  Shouldn't I just be able to suck it up and go about my regular life?  I mean, I'm still teaching everyday and I know that takes a lot out of me, but I sort of feel like a major downer when all I want to do in the evenings is nap, snack, and watch tv or read.  I know I need to listen to my body and take care of myself, but that's starting to feel self-indulgent.  So here's hoping I'll be back to some form of normal soon. Jahn and I both need it!

PIMD

So here we are.  I have officially recovered (more or less) from the shock of finding out on pizza night a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.  I'm not sure if other people finding out they are pregnant feel as shocked as I did.  People ask if this pregnancy was a surprise.  Well, no.  But would it really matter?  Are you ever prepared for the moment you find out that everything's going to change?  I doubt it.  


I'm now almost 9 weeks pregnant, and though it feels like forever since we found out, that number doesn't seem all that impressive.  This feels like a weird limbo time where the only way I really know something is going on is that I feel different.  And by "different", I really just mean sick (on and off, all day everyday) and tired (all the time).  


But I think this past week has brought about the funniest (though not at the time) symptom I've had so far.  It's something I refer to as PIMD: Pregnancy-Induced Melt Down.  I thought I had been doing really well in the mood-swing department.  I felt like at least in that way, I was still pretty much myself (though I know there have been a few days where I was shorter with my students than I would like, but it has been on the days I feel the sickest, so I'm trying to cut myself a bit of slack.)


But, I should have known I wouldn't be able to escape mood swings for long.  And now, they have arrived.  Here's was a PIMD looks like:  Something (usually fairly trivial) upsets me.  My eyes well up.  Poor, ever-sensitive Jahn asks if I'm ok.  Clearly, I'm not.  I start to cry.  The crying builds.  In between sobs, I try to explain to my slightly bewildered, slightly amused husband what is wrong.  This part is tricky, because in a small, rational part of my mind, I know that really, nothing is wrong.  But something has set me off.  So I explain as best I can.  Eventually, I manage to calm down, though if I'm not careful, the PIMD can start up again without warning.  


A short list of this week's meltdowns: I feel sick; I'm lonely (Jahn had to work a lot of nights in January and early February); I haven't finished the laundry; my pyjamas are in the unfinished laundry; I can't find something to eat;  etc, etc, etc.


Good times, hormones.  Good times.        

Pizza Night

When Jahn was going to school in Montreal and I was going to school in Ottawa, I would take the bus to Montreal every Friday and come back to Ottawa early Monday morning for class.  Jahn used to pick me up at the bus station (which was connected to a busy metro station).  Before taking the metro to Jahn's place on Friday, we would always stop and get a slice of pizza.  Really, it was impossible not to.  I usually took the bus around dinner time, so I was starving when I arrived.  One whiff of that metro pizza and I was a goner. 

And so began the tradition of Friday night pizza.  And it continues, every Friday, almost without exception.  I get excited for it every week.  All my students know about pizza night, and often on Fridays ask what we'll be ordering and whether they can join us.

So it seems fitting (or maybe ironic?) that the big changes in store for 2011 would come about on the most routine of nights: Friday.


Thing 1:


I knew that change was coming for Jahn.  For a while, he had been looking for a new challenge and wanted to add to his qualifications.  He had applied for an on-line certificate program which would start at the beginning of January.  But then, as the start date approach, it seemed to be clear that because Jahn doesn't have a B.A., he wasn't going to be able to take the course. I guess there was a reason for that, though, since very shortly thereafter Jahn learned that ATP's production manager, Lance, would be leaving his position and Jahn would have the chance to apply for the job.  It seemed like a scary but exciting challenge and, after some hesitation, Jahn decided he wanted to take it on.  On Friday, January 21, it became official that Jahn would succeed Lance as production manager of ATP.  And so we had pizza to celebrate.  Well, to celebrate and because it was a Friday, after all.


Thing 2:

But in our house, things don't seem to happen one at a time.  I had been feeling a bit off for the past week.  After pizza, Jahn said "Ok.  Just take the test.  I mean, it would be a pretty good story to find out both things the same day."  We both sat there laughing about that idea, feeling that it was too crazy, even for our life.  But I agreed.  Three minutes later, when I came back into the living room, wide-eyed, I asked Jahn "Does this look like two lines to you?"  Jahn nodded.  I had thought about this moment.  Would I cry?  Jump for joy?  But all I could say was "I need to sit down. . ."  

A Year Without Change

I always thought I wanted a life where things stayed pretty much the same.  I liked living in a city I knew, near my family, and following the career plans I had made for myself as a four-year-old.  But when Jahn and I started our lives together, it was clear to me pretty quickly that I was in for something different than I expected.  Jahn had spent his life with a father who worked in foreign affairs.  That meant his life had a pretty clear four-year cycle from posting to posting.  Though I wasn't sure what our path would be, I was pretty sure it would involve more change than I planned. 

And so our adventure began.  In August 2008, we bought a car, got married, moved to Calgary (the drive across the country standing in as our honeymoon) and started new jobs (Jahn as Technical Director of Alberta Theatre Projects, me as a grade 3/4 teacher).  All these things happened in a span of less than 2 weeks.  It was a lot to deal with, but the signs from the universe definitely pointed towards that being where we were meant to go. 

Though much of the first year in Calgary feels like a blur, I am still impressed that everything went so well for us.  We settled in to our house and jobs and made friends.  We learned the city.  We started to explore Alberta.  But by the end of Jahn's first season and my first school year, it was clear to both of us that what we craved was a time in our lives where nothing changed.

And so we put it out there:  we made a plan to live "A Year Without Change".  From summer 2009 to fall 2010, we would plan to keep everything in our lives just as it was.  So we did.  And it was wonderful. 

But the winds can't be kept quiet forever.  And so in came 2011. . .